Building Mental Resilience What My Setbacks Taught Me
Resilience is often made to sound like never breaking, never doubting yourself and never being affected by what happens around you.
That has not been my experience.
For me, resilience has been built through challenge, disappointment and the uncomfortable moments where life did not go the way I thought it would. It has come from learning how to sit with difficult feelings, make sense of them, and then take the next step forward, even when that step is small.
At 14, I decided I wanted to join the Royal Marines. From that point on, it became a major focus in my life. I spent around eight years preparing for that goal. Training, thinking about it, shaping decisions around it, and building an idea of the future that was tied closely to that dream.
I eventually made it into basic training, which was something I had worked towards for years. Then my journey ended through medical discharge.
Losing something I had committed so much of myself to affected me deeply. It was not just the loss of a job or a plan. It felt like losing a part of my identity. I had to face the question of what came next, and honestly, I struggled mentally with that.
That period taught me something I now carry into coaching through LAMBS Fitness. Resilience isn’t about never struggling. It’s about learning how to respond when life doesn’t go to plan.
Setbacks can shake your sense of who you are
When something you have worked towards for years ends suddenly, it can leave a gap that is hard to explain.
For a long time, my goal had given me structure. It gave me something to train for, something to measure myself against, and something to aim at when things felt difficult. When that disappeared, I did not just feel disappointed. I felt lost.
I think this is one of the harder parts of overcoming setbacks. The event itself is painful, but the questions that come afterwards can feel even heavier.
What now?
Who am I without this?
Was all that effort wasted?
At the time, I did not have clear answers. I had frustration, sadness, confusion and a lot of thoughts I did not know what to do with. There were days where it felt like I should have been able to move on quicker, but I could not.
Looking back, I can see that I needed time to process what had happened. I also needed to learn that struggling did not mean I was weak. It meant I was dealing with something that mattered to me.
That distinction is important.
Resilience is sometimes confused with emotional numbness. People can think being resilient means carrying on as if nothing happened, staying quiet, or forcing yourself to be fine. But real mental resilience includes honesty. It allows space for disappointment, grief, anger and uncertainty.
There is nothing weak about admitting something has affected you.
The danger comes when we let a setback become the full story of who we are. What happened to me mattered, but it was not all I was. It took time for me to believe that.
Fitness helped me rebuild, but not in a perfect way
When I was first trying to rebuild, I did not have access to a gym. I could not throw myself into a perfectly structured programme or surround myself with all the equipment I might have wanted.
So I returned to something simple.
Running.
It was not glamorous. It was not complicated. I put my shoes on and went outside.
At first, running gave me something to do with the energy and emotion I was carrying. It gave me space to think without sitting still and spiralling. Some runs felt good. Some felt heavy. Some did not solve anything at all. But they helped me create motion at a time when I felt stuck.
That is one of the reasons I believe in the connection between exercise and mental wellbeing, when it is approached in a healthy and realistic way.
Movement is not a cure for mental illness. It should never be presented as a replacement for professional help, therapy, medical support or honest conversations with people you trust. But for many people, myself included, movement can be one useful tool.
It can help create routine.
It can give your day a sense of shape.
It can help you process thoughts.
It can remind you that small actions still count.
For me, running became a way to begin again without needing everything figured out. I did not need the perfect plan. I just needed the next run, the next walk, the next training session, the next small choice that moved me in a better direction.
My view of resilience changed over time
At first, setbacks could take me weeks to mentally process.
If something went wrong, I would replay it in my head. I would question myself, overthink what happened and struggle to move past it. It felt like every setback demanded a long period of emotional recovery before I could think clearly again.
Over time, that changed.
Not because I stopped caring. Not because I became unaffected. I still feel disappointment. I still have moments where things knock me. The difference is that I have become better at working through those moments.
I learnt to pause and ask better questions.
What has actually happened?
What am I feeling?
What part of this can I not change?
What part of this is still within my control?
What is the next useful action?
That last question has helped me a lot.
The next useful action does not need to be dramatic. It might be going for a walk. It might be writing down what happened. It might be speaking to someone. It might be getting back into a routine. It might be resting properly instead of pretending you are fine.
This is where a positive mindset and resilience through fitness can be misunderstood. A positive mindset does not mean forcing every situation to seem good. Some situations are painful. Some losses are unfair. Some periods of life are simply hard.
A healthier positive mindset is the ability to say, “This is difficult, but I still have choices in how I respond.”
That way of thinking takes practice. It is not automatic. It is a skill built through repeated moments of reflection, acceptance and action.
How to build resilience in real life
There is no single method that works for everyone, but there are practical habits that can help. These are the same principles I come back to in my own life and in coaching.
Focus on what you can control
Difficult periods often feel overwhelming because so much sits outside your control.
You cannot always change what happened. You cannot control other people’s decisions. You cannot rewind time. Trying to control the uncontrollable usually creates more frustration.
A more useful approach is to separate the situation into two parts.
Outside my control
Other people’s opinions
Past events
The speed of certain outcomes
Unexpected changes
Things already decided
Within my control
My next action
My effort
My routine
Who I ask for support
How I speak to myself
How I look after my body
This does not make the difficulty disappear, but it gives your mind somewhere useful to go.
Break the problem down
When life feels heavy, looking at the whole situation can be too much.
Instead of trying to fix everything at once, break it down into smaller steps. Ask yourself what would make today slightly better or more manageable.
That might be:
Getting out for 20 minutes of movement
Preparing one decent meal
Sending one message to someone you trust
Writing down three things that are bothering you
Planning tomorrow morning before you go to bed
Small steps can feel almost too simple, but they matter. Stability is often rebuilt through ordinary actions repeated consistently.
Use movement as support, not punishment
Exercise should not become another way to beat yourself up.
When life feels difficult, training can easily turn into punishment. You might push hard because you are angry at yourself, or because you feel you need to “earn” rest. That approach might work for a short time, but it rarely supports long-term wellbeing.
Use movement as a way to support yourself.
Some days that might mean lifting weights. Some days it might mean running. Some days it might mean stretching, walking or doing something lighter. The goal is not always performance. Sometimes the goal is simply to reconnect with yourself and create a bit of breathing room.
Reflect without letting the setback define you
Reflection is useful. Rumination is different.
Reflection helps you learn. Rumination keeps you trapped in the same loop.
After a setback, it can help to write down what happened and what it taught you. Be honest, but be fair to yourself. Do not turn one painful experience into a permanent label.
Instead of saying, “I failed,” try asking:
What did this show me about what matters to me?
What can I learn from how I responded?
What support did I need but not ask for?
What would I do differently next time?
What strength did I show, even if the outcome hurt?
You are allowed to be affected by what happened without becoming defined by it.
Build routines that create stability
When life feels uncertain, routine can act like an anchor.
That does not mean every day needs to be perfect or rigid. It means having a few steady habits that help you feel more grounded.
For example:
A regular wake-up time when possible
Planned training sessions
Daily movement
Simple meals that support your energy
Time away from your phone
A consistent bedtime routine
Checking in with someone you trust
These habits do not remove life’s problems. They create a base from which you can deal with them better.
Recognise what you have already overcome
When you are in a difficult period, it is easy to forget your own history.
You may have already faced stress, loss, disappointment, injury, uncertainty or big changes. You may not have handled all of them perfectly, but you got through them. That matters.
Looking back at previous challenges can remind you that you have evidence of your own strength. Not the loud, showy kind of strength. The quiet kind. The kind that keeps going, adapts, asks for help and starts again.
This is a big part of how to build resilience. You learn to stop seeing yourself as someone who cannot cope, and start recognising that you have already coped with hard things before.
Resilience and coaching at LAMBS Fitness
My coaching philosophy has been shaped by my own experiences.
I know what it feels like to have a goal mean everything. I know what it feels like to lose direction. I know what it feels like to use training as part of rebuilding confidence and structure.
Because of that, I do not see fitness as just sets, reps, distances or numbers on a plan. Those things matter, but they are only part of the picture.
I want people to become stronger physically and mentally. I want training to help build confidence, self-trust and the belief that when challenges arise, they can adapt.
That does not mean every session has to be intense. It does not mean ignoring what is going on in life. It means training in a way that supports the person, not just the performance.
Sometimes the win is lifting a heavier weight.
Sometimes the win is turning up when motivation is low.
Sometimes the win is choosing rest because your body needs it.
Sometimes the win is getting back into routine after a difficult few weeks.
All of these can build resilience.
Difficult moments can become part of your growth
I would not choose to go through some of the setbacks I have faced. I would not pretend they were easy or dress them up as something positive at the time.
But I can say they taught me.
They taught me that identity has to be bigger than one role, one goal or one outcome. They taught me that movement can help create space when your head feels full. They taught me that asking for support is not weakness. They taught me that acceptance is not giving up. It is recognising reality clearly enough to decide what to do next.
Most of all, they taught me that resilience grows through response.
Not through pretending. Not through pushing everything down. Not through acting like nothing hurts.
Through acknowledging what is hard, giving yourself time to process it, focusing on what you can control, and taking the next useful step.
If you are in a difficult period now, you do not have to have the whole future worked out. Start smaller. Take care of the basics. Move your body in a way that supports you. Speak to someone you trust. Build one stable habit. Then build another.
And if things feel too heavy to manage on your own, reach out for appropriate support. Fitness can be a powerful tool, but it is only one tool. You do not have to carry everything alone.
You don’t build resilience by avoiding difficult moments. You build it by learning that difficult moments don’t have to be the end of your story.
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